Thursday, February 24, 2011

Anticipating Wonderful.

Just got back from an hour's excursion to the park. I have to say, I never realized how much being with Mia brings out the kid in me. I feel like I'm eight years old again with my hair mussed all over my face and grass stains on my jeans.  It's funny the care-free attitude we loose through adolescence and adulthood. Watching Mia is truly a pleasure. She's come so far in such a short time, especially when you consider the fact that she didn't even know how to play when we got her. 

It gives me hope for the future. 

And right now, hope is something I desperately need... 

Because, like most typical A-type firstborns, I'm struggling with the tendency to plan out the next 50 years of my life all in one sitting. "Should I pursue this, what about that? What career would be the best fit for me? Oh yeah, I need a car. How will I get the money? Should I go on a mission's trip this summer or try to get a job? Okay, so by the time I get my Masters, I'll be twenty-something. If I want to work and travel before settling down, that'll make me like twenty-eight. Do I want a career or a family? Should I homeschool my kids or enroll them in private school? How will I save for their college expenses if the economy continues to plummet? Would I be a good grandma? etc. etc. etc." Now you know why I am *twitch* the way I am! *twitch* 

It sounds pretty ridiculous when compressed into such a short amount of space, but for anyone used to having their ducks in a row 24/7, it's no laughing matter. 

When I was little, "determining" the future course of my life was a relatively simple and stressless task. I would graduate from junior high, then high school, make good grades, play sports, and if I was driving by 18, well then my life would have reached the pinnacle of success.  :)

Back then, life was about pursuing dreams and making sure I did all the right things to open windows of opportunity. Not so now...

Because I'm discovering that dreams have consequences, and that the decisions I make in the next few years will affect me for the rest of my life. *wipes forehead* No pressure.

Sometimes I think the only thing that is keeping me sane is God's never-ending mercy. And perhaps a miniscule smidgen of faith that whispers His truths to my heart. Those times when I feel completely overwhelmed with uncertainty, drowned in doubt, anxious and confused, a small part of me still seems to hear the words of Jeremiah 29. "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me will all your heart." 

And then my FAVORITE part... 

"I WILL be found of you, says the Lord."  

I've returned to that verse quite often of late. It's given me a comfort unprecedented by any other time of my life. And I realize that I don't have to figure everything out at once, if at all. That the best things in life--friends, dreams, and opportunities--have all come when I was least expecting them.  If God's been faithful thus far, shouldn't I trust Him to see me through to  tomorrow? And the next day? And the year after? Shouldn't I trust that He's already got everything worked out in exactly the fashion He's ordained? Shouldn't I trust that He knows me far better than I know myself?

Herein lies the dilemma: I know it in my head. I don't always know it with my heart.

But that's okay. Because I know my heart isn't the best instrument by which to measure myself, my dreams, or my emotions. It has led me astray before, and it will again. Oh, if I could only remember the countless times...Had been left up to me, I'd have wrecked my life by now with foolish hopes and aspirations. Thank goodness, He's saved me from myself else I'd be in big trouble. :)

I know that God has an awesome plan in store for me. Though I may not see it. Though I may not always understand it. Though I may at times lie awake at night dreading what lies around the corner. But again, it's okay. God's got my back. My blind side... *wink*

And as my pastor once said, the Lord never calls you to a place where He hasn't already gone before and pitched your tent. :) I'm so glad to take hold of that promise. Because I can't imagine life as a non-believer with the burden of "making it all happen." What a horrible existence that must be; to look back at the end of your existence and realize just how futile your efforts were.

I think when presented with the alternative, I'd rather go with God. He seems to have a better hold on things than I do. Like, I don't know, maybe an eternal perspective?

Someday I know I shall look back on this post and laugh. And when I do, I'll be sure to write about it. But for now, in all my weakness and immaturity, I can only reaffirm what I know:

That nothing happens by coincidence.
That it's okay to fail.
That my life is not my own.
That I am a child of God.
That I am loved.
That I have a purpose and a design.
And that God will reveal to me His perfect will in His perfect timing.

I once heard a story about a detective who was asked what he knew. He responded, "Not much." He was then asked what he didn't know. To which he replied. "A lot."

That is pretty much the summation of my life yet. I can't see down the road to know what the future holds, but I do know this: I have much to look forward to. Because whatever God's plan is, it'll be bigger, better, and more fulfilling than anything I could have ever dreamed.

"Trust also in the Lord and HE will give you the desires of your heart."

May that be said of us as we continue to seek first the kingdom of God.


And now that I've got that off my chest, I think I'll go relax. :)

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