How I used to anticipate the day I could add one more candle to my cake. First it was double digits, then the big one three, then sweet 16, now 18...(almost)
I feel like my life is on one monstrosity of a timer, and all the world is waiting for the clock to strike midnight. Everyone but me. Perhaps I'm feeling older than I ought. I really did hope these emotions wouldn't plague me until 25/30. But right now I have a very keen sense that something precious is slipping from my grasp. And try as I might, I'll never, ever be able to get it back again.
To think it'll all be over "officially" in a mere couple of days. That's not to say I'll change my jeans for a business suit any time soon, but it is nonetheless a sobering thought. The fact I even need to think about getting a job is foreign. Aren't I still the little girl who wore mismatching socks to park day? Who sat up in her favorite tree pretending to be Alice? Who raced her brothers every morning to turn on the Christmas tree lights?
Aren't I the same dare-devil girl who nearly killed herself running on top of monkey bars, playing soccer, and guzzling hot sauce competitions? lol
Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. All I know is that life is about to become very different. I'll get a job, buy a car, finish school, get another job...If I can somehow squeeze in all my ambitions before 30 it will be a miracle! :)
I can't believe that people can and do get married at my age. Crazy! In all honesty, I'm not even ready to begin my life as a single let alone share it with someone else! Can't I just be selfish for a few years? LOL Besides, what do I know of being "grown up?" Of checking accounts and paying taxes and bills and the like. Sometimes I feel like just as much of an infant now as I did twelve years ago. More so even. Because life is so much more complicated. So much more--demanding than it used to be. There are people to interface with, things to pursue, deadlines to meet, relationships to discourage or maintain. We have a joke in our family called "Shwoot me now!" from the Bugs Bunny cartoon.
I like to say it to myself when I'm angry or under a lot of pressure. That and "My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes." (Anne of Green Gables) Yeah, so I'm morbid and these lines are strangely comforting...in a twisted sort of way. :)
I can't help feeling that something big is lying around the corner, something bigger than I could have ever imagined, and yet despite this forewarning, I'm going to be taken by complete surprise. I hate that. It's like the the monster in those boogie man movies. You know he's in the room. You know he's out to get you. And you know you'll have to confront him sooner of later. It's just a question of of when...
Most of the time, I'd rather have it over with sooner than later. But not now. This time, I just want to hold on to those memories. Hold on to that innocence. That naiveté. I want to wake up next week and feel as giddy as I did the day of my 10th birthday.
But I know that won't happen.
Like Wendy Darling, it's time to move on out of the nursery and into a room of my own.
Or rather, a world of my own. Where I'm de boss. No, not even the boss 'cause God is that. Maybe just the XO.
I don't know how I'll feel come birthday morning. Probably much the same as I feel today. But I'll be another year older, another year stronger, and hopefully another year wiser. There is some consolation in that.