So right now I should be working on one of my million page papers that's due this weekend, but frankly, I'd rather blog. :) You know, there just comes a point in time where your brain shuts off and no amount of mental discipline is going to make it turn back on again. At that point, you just need to call it a day! So that's what I'm doing...
Been a whole twelve days since I've blogged. I feel bad about that. Time just seems to fly by these days--without stopping to let me catch my breath. ;) Do you ever feel like a painting that's been left out in the rain...and all the colors are running into each other? It's kind of a weird analogy, but that's how I feel right about now. That everything which gives Life distinction--those brilliant, individual colors--have all blurred together and created one murky mess: me!
You know, so often I feel like Christians (especially Christian girls) feel this need to be happy--all the time. We're supposed to reflect the joy of Christ 24/7, so when life gets tough we're supposed to grit our teeth and recite a Bible verse that will make it all better. Only it doesn't change the fact that we've been "blessed" with full-blown acne, that we're cranky or crampy as the case may be, that we're sick so we haven't worked out for over a week, that school or social pressures are becoming a bit too much to handle all at once, or that the someone we deeply cared about decided we weren't all that important on their priority list...(Yes, I know that's bad grammar. I did it on purpose! Now y'all can muse over whether or not I meant "his list" or "her list." lol )
Why can't we just be honest and real enough to say "You know what, I had a horrible day, and I'm not all that happy about it." Period. ;) No ifs. No buts. No happy endings. Just real life in all its glory. :) Why need we be ashamed of the fact that we're human? With legitimate feelings of hurt and anger, sadness, inferiority, and depression? (No, this is not how I'm feeling, I'm just trying to prove a point--:D)
I feel like we Christians put this burden on ourselves (and on each other) to always "have it together." Whenever life gets us down, we're supposed to "count it all joy," "trust in the Lord," and "never grow weary of doing good." Great. How do you argue against that one? :P
You know, of all the people in the Bible, I relate to David the best. Why? Because he was a moody, lyrical songwriter. ;) Plain an' simple. He had temper tantrums. And he praised God. Sometimes simultaneously. Sometimes not.
David--one of the great heroes of the Old Testament, the man after God's own heart--understood what it felt like to be weighed down with sorrow, grief, guilt. He also knew what it meant to be joyful, so joyful in fact that he leaped and whirled before the Lord (2 Samuel 6:16). (Fyi, even I have never been that happy!) And when life got to be crazy-hectic and he didn't know which way to turn, he was honest enough to say admit, "And now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You (Psalm 39:7)."
What do I wait for?
I found myself pouring over that question earlier this week. After all this time, all this hoping and dreaming and praying...what do I wait for? If you continue reading, you'll notice that David never receives an answer to his question. He merely reaffirms to his soul what his knows in his head to be true. My hope is in You.
Don't be afraid to sound like a broken record before God. He knows. He understands. He sympathizes. Real Christianity is not denying what we feel; it's getting through it God's way. ;)
But what about anger? Surely that's sinful. Is it? God says "Be angry and do not sin (Psalm 4:4)."
Passion? "Be fruitful and multiply the earth." That's all I'm going to say!
Revenge? Now that's definitely NOT a Christian feeling! Or is it? God never says "It is wrong to want revenge." He merely says, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay (Hebrews 10:40)." :)
Don't let false pride keep you from experiencing the awesome power of God. To the degree that you're hurting is the degree that He can heal your pain. I know it, and as much as I like to make out that I'm special, I'm really not. It's not wrong to feel like a bleeding painting in the rain, or a ship blown off course, or whatever your analogy may be. Trust that God already knows and He is able to make beauty from ashes. If you'll only gather the courage to ask Him...
This is real life--in Christ. :)