Most days, I'm fine. To be brutally honest, most days I renew my promise never to marry. Yes, I know that sounds awful. But before you bombard me with questions, I'll just say that I'm just not at a place where I can honestly welcome a husband and kids when I would rather be off doing so many other things. Maybe that will change in a few years--or months even. :P But for now, I'm singing that Dierks Bentley song, "So you won't fall for me/ if ya know what's good for you/'Cause I still got a lot of leaving left to do."
Today however, is different. Today, I want nothing more than to be that half of a whole, that princess in a tower, the happy in "happily ever after." :P Today, I want someone (who I actually care for romantically) to tell me I'm beautiful, that he loves me, that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him. And then I want to substitute each school assignment for an hour of walking along the shoreline, snuggling on the couch, and talking about forever. Sounds pretty sentimental, doesn't it?
It should. Because deep down, behind all the cynicism and skepticism and hurt feelings and bitterness, is a little girl holding on to the hope that Prince Charming is out there--somewhere. And even though the mature, enlightened Talia has seen enough of the world to know that fairytales don't exist, today I want to forget all of everything I've ever known and just dream. I want to forget that I should be doing school right now and just revel in a nonsensical, absurd fantasy.
But I can't. ;( For two reasons. One, because the clock is still ticking and reminding me that I have to go to work. And two, because I can hear God's voice in the back of my head, reminding me that I am already loved. Passionately. Devotedly. Unconditionally. And although today I want love with skin on, I will rejoice in the knowledge that He is faithful to complete the work which He began in me. Unto His glory and not always unto my fulfillment.
You may be wondering why I even bothered to write this post, in light of the fact that this confession is somewhat personal. It's because I believe in a real Christianity. A Christianity where real issues and "secret" desires are a reality of everyday life. So many blogs use Bible verses like band aids: you just stick 'em here and there and wait for the bad feelings to go away. It doesn't work. I made a self-promise a long time ago to discard the mask of being a "good, Christian girl;" that I wouldn't work to keep up this pretense of having it all together. Life with Christ is not all sunshine and rainbows. If it were, I wouldn't be writing this post. But it is good. And it IS worthwhile. And it is learning to rejoice in the midst of pain and suffering that makes our testimony true. No, I'm not a happy-go-lucky, Christian girl waiting for Mr. Right to walk on the scene. I'm not even wearing my purity ring because I necessarily want to be pure (although I do). I'm wearing this ring because, as in a marriage covenant, I made a promise to God to stand by Him through thick and thin.
Today is an ultra thin day. But whatever my lot, in spite of fluctuating hormones and emotional drama, in spite of broken dreams and hazy horizons, I will say…
It is well with my soul.
This is real life in Christ.