Most days, I'm
fine. To be brutally honest, most days I renew my promise never to marry. Yes,
I know that sounds awful. But before you bombard me with questions, I'll just
say that I'm just not at a place where I can honestly welcome a husband and
kids when I would rather be off doing so many other things. Maybe that will
change in a few years--or months even. :P But for now, I'm singing that Dierks
Bentley song, "So you won't fall for
me/ if ya know what's good for you/'Cause I still got a lot of leaving left to
do."
Today however, is
different. Today, I want nothing more than to be that half of a whole, that
princess in a tower, the happy in "happily ever after." :P Today, I
want someone (who I actually care for romantically) to tell me I'm beautiful, that he loves
me, that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him. And then I want to
substitute each school assignment for an hour of walking along the shoreline,
snuggling on the couch, and talking about forever. Sounds pretty sentimental,
doesn't it?
It should.
Because deep down, behind all the cynicism and skepticism and hurt feelings and
bitterness, is a little girl holding on to the hope that Prince Charming is out
there--somewhere. And even though the mature, enlightened Talia has seen enough
of the world to know that fairytales don't exist, today I want to forget all of
everything I've ever known and just dream. I want to forget that I should be
doing school right now and just revel in a nonsensical, absurd fantasy.
But I can't. ;(
For two reasons. One, because the clock is still ticking and reminding me that
I have to go to work. And two, because I can hear God's voice in the back of my
head, reminding me that I am already loved. Passionately. Devotedly.
Unconditionally. And although today I want love with skin on, I will rejoice in
the knowledge that He is faithful to complete the work which He began in me.
Unto His glory and not always unto my fulfillment.
You may be
wondering why I even bothered to write this post, in light of the fact that
this confession is somewhat personal. It's because I believe in a real
Christianity. A Christianity where real issues and "secret" desires are
a reality of everyday life. So many blogs use Bible verses like band aids: you
just stick 'em here and there and wait for the bad feelings to go away. It
doesn't work. I made a self-promise a long time ago to discard the mask of
being a "good, Christian girl;" that I wouldn't work to keep up this
pretense of having it all together. Life with Christ is not all sunshine and
rainbows. If it were, I wouldn't be writing this post. But it is good. And it
IS worthwhile. And it is learning to rejoice in the midst of pain and suffering
that makes our testimony true. No, I'm not a happy-go-lucky, Christian girl
waiting for Mr. Right to walk on the scene. I'm not even wearing my purity ring
because I necessarily want to be pure (although I do). I'm wearing this ring
because, as in a marriage covenant, I made a promise to God to stand by Him
through thick and thin.
Today is an
ultra thin day. But whatever my lot, in spite of fluctuating hormones and emotional drama,
in spite of broken dreams and hazy horizons, I will say…
It is well with my soul.
This is real life in Christ.
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